


maybe we started this fire

by worry



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of: Spike/Buffy Summers, but like not in a positive way lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2015-12-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 06:47:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5324489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remembering Buffy is good but remembering Buffy is also painful, for two reasons. One: it reminds Angel of his humanity. Two: It reminds Angel of everything he's lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe we started this fire

He looks back on it, one day. He lays his problems flat out in his mind, and he analyzes them, one by one, he _dissects_ them as if they were separate flesh beings.

 

He stars with Spike. Spike is his biggest regret, and his greatest masterpiece. Spike is a  _problem_ for Angel, because Spike reminds Angel of Angelus and Spike reminds Angel of  _Buffy,_ and he can't decide which one is worse. (Maybe they're both their own separate horrors, maybe the curtain will rise and Spike and Buffy will be there, on the stage, sitting together and laughing.

 

Or maybe they will be dead, with birds pecking away at their entrails.

 

Who knows. Angel can never control his imagination.)

 

Angel carved Spike out of a weak man -- Spike was a phoenix, a snake eating itself, a symbol of rebirth, and Angel was the sun, the knife, the end. (Or was it the other way around? Angel can't tell, Angel thinks about Spike and he still sees the weak man. Angel thinks about Spike and he sees Buffy Summers with a weak man, and Angel thinks about Spike and he sees the years that he wasted.)

 

The line between Angel and Angelus begins to blur. Spike dies again in his mind, and Angel can't tell if Angelus is laughing or if Angelus is crying or if Angelus is _screaming_. Inside his mind, Angel(us) picks up Spike's body and he thinks about all of the ways that he can dispose of it. Spike is not dust, and Angel(us) wonders if that's just his brain torturing him or if Spike is _human_ again.

 

Method #1: Angel(us) burns the body. Angel(us) takes Spike's jacket and keeps it for the memory, or he burns Spike _and_ Spike's jacket. Angel(us) considers this method and drops it quickly, he picks at it and pulls it apart and he decides that Spike is already burning.

 

Which brings him to Method #2: Angel(us) buries the body. He takes Spike and whispers _I'm sorry_ and he feels bad, he feels _horrible_ , he feels like Spike stole something from him by dying - Spike died and took Angel(us)'s humanity with him, or perhaps he simply died first for the sympathy of others, perhaps he died so others would remember him instead of Angel(us).

 

Typical Spike.

 

Method #3 is the last method: Angel(us) brings Spike back to life, but he doesn't at the same time. Spike is the fire inside Angel(us), and Angel(us) can't afford to lose that.

 

He dissects this method also, and he decides that this is the best one.

 

Because Spike reminds him of Buffy. Remembering Buffy is good but remembering Buffy is also painful, for two reasons. One: it reminds Angel of his humanity. Two: It reminds Angel of everything he's lost.

 

Inside his mind, Angel(us) picks up Spike's body and throws it through the barrier and into reality.

 

Spike says, "I was wondering how long it was going to take you. Maybe you're smarter than I thought."

 

Angel and Angelus have always been two separate people, two sides of the same coin, or maybe Angelus is Angel and Angel is Angelus and the lines are blurring because they're _supposed to_ , maybe this is something that was meant to happen, or maybe Angel(us) is dying.

 

His second problem is himself.

 

Sometimes Angel looks down at his hands and _remembers everything_ , and sometimes Angel looks down at his hands and remembers _everything_ , but in a different way: he remembers the feeling of his hands around the throat of a child, he remembers the feeling of flesh, he remembers it all and  _misses it._

 

Angel likes to think of himself as some sort of fallen God - in Greek mythology, he is Apollo and Erebus. Apollo is the light and Erebus is the dark. Apollo is trust and Erebus is the darkness inside of Angel's  heart. (He has one. He has a heart. He _does_.

 

Sometimes.

 

It all depends on the day.)

 

Apollo is light, but that doesn't make Apollo _good_.

 

Angel(us) has a soul (sometimes) but that doesn't make Angel(us) _good_ ( _/bad.)_

 

His third and final problem is dreaming.

 

He still dreams about Buffy.

 

In his dreams, Buffy is kissing him and she is telling Angel _I love you, it's always been you, Angel_ or she is telling him _Get away from me, you're a monster._

 

Occasionally, he also dreams about Buffy being the monster. Angel(us) turns her against her will, and she is _lethal_. Buffy Summers (who isn't actually Buffy Summers, but: a monster, a masterpiece, a game that Angel(us) can't quite manage to figure out) kills with the passion of a Slayer. Buffy Summers kills and kills, and kills and kills, and Angel(us) is _so proud_ , but Angel(us) is also screaming for help, he is screaming for Buffy, _his_ Buffy.

 

And then he wakes up.

 

So.

 

It's obvious how these dreams can be problematic for Angel, who has taught himself to never think about things too much - the consequences for thinking: pain, pain, _pain_ , and remembering. It's always remembering.

 

If Angel  _could_ look into the mirror, he'd see a number of things: a monster, a God, a vampire, a champion, an abomination.

 

It's probably for the better than Angel cannot look into the mirror.

 

Anyways.

 

Angel has learned many things about his problems.

 

The first thing is that Spike is always going to be with him and there's nothing Angel can do to make Spike go away. Spike will always rise again, Spike will always find some way to come back to life, Spike will always find his way back to Angel and it's _inevitable_.

 

The second thing is that Spike isn't as bad as Angel makes him out to be. Spike is the only thing that Angel has left and Spike is _annoying, disgusting, horrible_ but Spike and Angel are tied together by the soul. _Soulmates_. The word is hard for Angel to grasp, but it's there regardless. _Soulmates_.

 

The third thing is that Buffy Summers is the best (worst) thing that's ever happened to Angel. She is his light. She is his darkness. She is humanity and she is _good_ , and sometimes she is the only reason that Angel is alive but sometimes she is the only reason that Angel  _isn't_ alive.

 

It's complicated.

 

Angel looks down at his hands and sees _hands_ , and that's a start, that's _something_ , at least.

 

Angel dissects his problems, one by one, over and over again, and learns this: he is not alone.

 

Angel will never be alone.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "You were the match and I was the rock
> 
> Maybe we started this fire" - Things we lost in the fire / Bastille
> 
> If this looks familiar, it's something I published back in February and then deleted. I rediscovered the file yesterday, and I was like, "hey this is pretty good why'd I delete this?" So I edited it a little bit, and now I'm republishing it. Yeah.


End file.
